they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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