My room smells like vodka and shame
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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