Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
