Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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