Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
