omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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