if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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