I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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