i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
