so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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