I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
They should really pass out barf bags in church
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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