it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
