my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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