He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
