I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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