I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
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I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
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Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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