i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
