you didnt know i had herpes?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
