just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize