My hair reeks of homosexuality.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
