There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
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