peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
