Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
