We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
