I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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