I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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