I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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