I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
