Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
