My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.