Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.