Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
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