In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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