Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
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It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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