I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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