We're like a lot better than the average bears
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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