Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Randomize
