Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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