Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
