If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
