So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
