Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
