I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
