I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
