we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
