SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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