youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
