I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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