I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
