A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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