I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
