I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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