my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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