Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
