:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
