We got so high we made milksteak
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
