it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
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