Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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