Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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