wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
